Somethings changin’ .Giving me fears run through my head. Only find me Give me the eyes I will understand. Words left unsaid, leaving me weak in the edge..
-Scared to Death KZ Tandingan
Been 5 days since my last unfinished post . I am a little bit lost some of my senses as to posting and I am so sorry for that . I have always tried my best to updated but recently I am being the best SNORLAX since all I do was sleep and eat then sleep again . I just want to take advantage of everyone’s addiction with Pokemon Go recently . So how’s everyone ? For a person who can be shutting off the world and revolving all her life to her far away boyfriend here I am trying to reconnect in some way. Reconnect and connect to people, not just because I am ranting how much I miss him, but because I want to call out , find my missing self.
I grew up mostly alone, I am not sure if someone out there felt like that they are being defined by those who are around them and when that person is gone we lost ourselves. We lost our own validity. I felt that for along time and just turned a blind eye fearing to be left alone. Don’t get me wrong I am not breaking up nor in the brink of falling out of love. I am though writing this because I want my own self to acknowledge of my personal problems, my own thoughts, and my own realization…
You may not know me personally or you may do but like everyone I am Human too like you. I feel pain and try to conceal it . A lot of books and people kept on educating me that ” It is OKAY to be ALONE” since “LONELINESS” is a matter of choice. You see I have this tendency of leaving everything just for one person , and no matter how I play tough I also have the tendency to be honestly wrecking myself just because “I am afraid of being alone”. I was 19 when I realize I am better off hating the world trusting a few and never loving some, then now at 21 I am head over heels in love with this guy who can turn my world upside down in less than 60 seconds and now that we are currently focusing on our own self (it’s mostly him ) I am left lost.
The tricky part in an LDR is you live a life as a single being yet you also are a girlfriend or a boyfriend in between the long and wide geographical space gaps. Long Distance Relationship Sucks and I mean it. If I can cry it out every night I will just to get over with it. For some it may feel like an unannounced break up that is just taking it’s time to take place , but for me I want to believe that it is for the better result, that after all this drama I am creating in my mind right now will surpass and will make me a better person , not only emotionally but also socially.
I am blessed , I am in a relationship with the most complicated guy I ever met. His complexity and my uncomplexity make this complicated relationship much harder and much worthier at the same time . Our undeniable huge ego gets in the way most of the time , our misusage of our tongues with the words we choose to say and we choose not to say makes communication challenging . More so is our super busy schedule *more on his part actually * makes it harder to connect but honestly after all this, after all the fight and making up peculiarly , it makes us realize everything is much more valued that I don’t want to break up with him , unless he wanted it .
So maybe tonight . I will tell you what is in my heart.
He may be annoying ! He can out smart you and trust me he will try his best to last a day without messaging and trying to call you and you will be left wondering, here is a tip, say what you feel out loud at least yo yourself. I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU ALREADY.I am waiting for a message or text or call but I know it won’t come , it won’t come tonight and I don’t mind ’cause you are teaching me to love myself . So I will . So you see it felt lighter . I think the thing between self-validity is “Admitting , hearing oneself , listening to oneself and then accepting ” and all between those is loving yourself.
All the possible songs can be possibly sung or written already but ones heart can never be filled by different words and emotions. Get your grip he will piss you down to your core , to the depths of hell and yet silence will be your answer ’cause you’re letting him win and you know that you love him.
So maybe tonight , I am better sleeping alone…
and send him an “I love you ” tomorrow.